Validation

I am someone who needs validation. I have anxiety. Validation means my thoughts are based on reason, not anxiety, and so, I need it.

Divorce had been eye opening. I had a fairy tale dream of a nuclear dysfunctional family like the kind I watched on TV, like the Cosbys, and, similarly, Roseanne, Married with Children and Malcolm in the Middle. But, it did not become my reality.

My marriage and thus my life fell apart and I have long sought some sense of validation that leaving was the right and only choice I had. Since the day I said ‘I’m done,’ I’ve needed someone, anyone, any number of people willing, to tell me I needed to go.

I’ve been barking up the wrong tree.

I need validation. I do. But I have been misguided about what form of validation I need. I thought it was a ‘you’re right’ from whomever hurt me, or an ‘eff that’ from a friend who had been there. Turns out, that’s not the validation I need at all.

I left for control – control over my ability to parent without a peanut gallery, my ability to have an opinion and ability to ever be right.

I have those things now.

I left for peace – peace knowing that people who said my feelings mattered meant it.

I have that now.

I left for me – me being the person who needs to be okay enough to help the two humans I grew and brought into this world, mange the bowling balls the world they didn’t ask to be brought into, throws at them.

I am working hard to reframe what validation looks like.

Validation isn’t my kids’ dad acknowledging how hard I work to support them. It isn’t him owning his responsibility in the demise of the marriage or his lack of any meaningful action that isn’t the result of acute and clear direction of a doctor in the ER, because my concerns are otherwise without merit.

No. That’s not what validation is.

Validation is in a calm evening with my child that would have otherwise been a disaster were it not for preventative measures I insisted on.

Validation is in the respect my children now have for my opinion and my authority, that did not exist before.

Validation is in my evenings ending in the peace I have or create at the end of every day.

I don’t and shouldn’t need anyone but my experiences to validate that what I think and how I feel is what is best for me and my two greatest sources of joy and pride and stress. They didn’t ask to be here. Their dad and I chose to create them and that comes with joint responsibility to give them the best life we can, together, even if we are not.

I need validation. I also need to pivot how that will come. I can’t control anyone but myself, after all. My kids feel loved. They feel supported and understood and appreciated. They know they owe me respect and deference. They aren’t perfect and they push the boundaries they should and respect the boundaries they should and I never would have achieved that had I not left.

Validation isn’t one thing in one way. It’s not an overt ‘you’re right,’ or ‘I should have listened.’ I’ve come to realize that experiencing validation – that is, having your hard efforts result in the positive outcome you were hoping for – is so much more valuable.

Words mean nothing. Change is everything.